What Is I: Finding Myself Through Writing
When I first stepped into my English 101 class I was bombarded with questions, one of which was the question “What Is I?” When I was first asked this, I wondered to myself why I was being asked such a dumb question. “I am Tanisha” was my first thought. The teacher then told the class to read an excerpt from Buddhism and the Art of Psychotherapy by Kawai, and really think about the question “What is I”. After reading the excerpt, I realized that “What is I” is not such an easy question to be answered. It is not only my physical being, but it is my intellectual and emotional self, as well. Although this excerpt helped me to understand what the question really meant I knew that the question could not yet be answered. I realized that I am always changing and growing, and that I’m not really sure what the word I means. My professor then explained that throughout the semester I would be writing different essays, including an autoethnography as my final paper to help find out who I really am. This was exciting news to me, because who doesn’t love learning more about themselves?
An autoethnography is “a genre of writing and research that connects the personal to the cultural” (Holt). Another author described an autoethnography as “party auto (self-as in autobiograohy) and part ethno Iculture-as in ethnography) (Ellis). After reading some different articles about autoethnographies, I came to my own conclusion about its definition. I think that autoethnographies are pieces of work written to help a person find out more about themselves and the culture in which they live in. I think autoethnographies are written not only so an author can express experiences from their own lives to others, but so they too can learn more about themselves and who they really are. While writing my autoethnography, I will review the essays I have written in my English 101 class and tell my readers how they pertain to my life and the person that I am and will become.
My first writing assignment in my English 101 class was to write a narrative about an image. I was very nervous about writing this essay because it was the first of the class, and I didn’t want the teacher to think that I was a horrible writer. I thought for what seemed like forever about what I could write about, and I finally decided on writing about my experience at The Vans Warped Tour. I had many pictures from this music festival so it wasn’t hard for me to find a picture to use. I brainstormed everything that I wanted to write about from my experience and began to write my essay. Even after having people proofread my essay, and after rewriting it, my essay still did not turn out how I had wanted it to. The ideas I had were very jumbled. To me the essay seemed very dull and generic. Now when I look back on my first essay, I realize that to write a narrative essay I really have to bring something exciting into the story and use exhilarating details that will make people want to hop right into the story.
The crowd was enormous, the body surfers traveled to the front of the crowd in huge groups, and the seat just poured off of everybody. As they began to play everybody began to jump around and recite the words to the songs they were playing. Just being there in front of them and hearing them play my favorite song was thrilling beyond relief. This was the last show we saw that day, and it was definitely a wonderful way to end it.
The second essay I was assigned was supposed to be a descriptive essay focusing on the sense of taste. I randomly chose a food that I enjoyed, and began writing about every flavor that touches my taste buds as I devour this treat. I chose to write about mint chocolate chip ice cream. I spent the whole essay describing each flavor, using lots of descriptive words, but not coming out and saying what I was writing about. I wanted to keep my audience guessing as their taste buds watered in their mouths. Finally, in my concluding paragraph, I told my audience what delicious treat I had been describing to them throughout my whole essay. This essay actually made me realize a lot about myself. I am someone who doesn’t always come out and say things plain and simple, but I keep people guessing. I’m always hoping that people will realize what I’m saying without actually saying it. That is basically how my entire second essay was set up.
As I place the food in my mouth, I feel like I just stepped outside on a cold wintry day. It’s a chilling experience, yet a completely refreshing one. The first thing I taste is mint. It feels like I just got done brushing my teeth. Again, this is a completely refreshing and invigorating sensation in my mouth. The texture is soft and mushy in my mouth, but a good mushy. This food is not soft throughout though. The second thing I taste is chocolate. It is as though I’m eating a Hershey’s chocolate bar that is crushed into tiny pieces. This part of the treat is very hard, unlike the mint part, but also tastes very good. The mushy, yet crunchy treat brings joy to my taste buds the whole time I’m chewing on it.
The third essay I wrote was an expository essay that explained the importance of my sense of smell. I had never written an expository essay before, so I wasn’t sure what the outcome of my essay was going to be. After thinking of the many different scents that are significant in my life, I came to one that made me think of my childhood: the smell of grass. It brought back many memories for me from when I was just a care-free child. “Hit a tripwire of smell, and memories explode all at once. A complex vision leaps out of the undergrowth” (Ackerman 5). In my essay I talked about how I would spend my days freely riding my bike with my best friend. After I wrote this essay, I realized that a part of me would love to still be a child: carefree and living my life day by day.
Every time the smell of the fresh cut grass hits my nose, I think of all the memories I have made throughout every summer of my life. It makes me feel young and free again, like I could run through an open field with my arms waving in the air. No matter how old in age that I get, I will always feel young at heart, especially when I smell the aroma of the newly cut grass. I will always be taken back to those long, summer days when I didn’t have a single care in the world.
The fourth essay that I was assigned in my English 101 class was a little different from the first three. I was told to pick any type of essay that I haven’t written yet, and write something about the human sense of touch. My inspiration for this essay came from Diane Ackerman’s A Natural History of the Senses, and from the discussions that were held in class. During class the students got into a circle and discussed what everyone thought when they heard the word “touch.” Some thought of physical touch while others thought of touch as a mental or emotional experience. The essay I chose to write was a definition essay. I wrote the different ways that touch could be described as a physical feeling, an emotional experience, or even a physical touch that caused an emotional touch.
I also believe that a physical touch can lead to an emotional one. An example of this is having a sensual relationship with somebody that I truly care about. When this person kisses my lips, the touch is simply physical, but the passion behind the kiss causes me to be touched emotionally. I agree with Diane Ackerman completely when she stated, “It’s as if, in the complex language of love, there were a word that could only be spoken by lips when lips touch, a silent contract sealed with a kiss” (Ackerman 109).
My fifth essay I wrote in my English 101 class was about how music is such a strong influence in my life. I was instructed to, once again, choose a type of essay I have never written before and write about my sense of hearing. I chose to write an example essay. I explained how music can make me feel happy or sad depending on what type of music I listen to. I also explained in my essay how music is a therapy, and the lyrics and sounds can help people get through different experiences in their lives. This essay was by far my favorite essay out of all that I have written this semester. I thought that the essay was powerful and I really liked a lot of the sentences I created throughout my paper.
When I travel home from school for vacations, I listen to music and sing my heart out during my three our drive. My emotions for those three hours are completely ridiculous, in the way that I have never been happier or sadder in my life. It’s as though the music is actually the being that is having these feelings. As Trivedi stated “In hearing the music, we make-believably bring it to life and imagine that it is the very being whose emotion is being expressed, so that it seems as if it is the music itself that is sad or joyous” (Trivedi). I listen to the widest range of music; some of it making me cry tears of joy, others making me shed tears of sorrow. “A musical passage can make us cry, or send our blood pressure soaring” (Ackerman 207).
One thing I have noticed after going through and reading all of my essays again is that many of them are similar in a certain way. My essays are similar in the way that most of them deal with a past experience or memory of mine. I think I probably wrote about these memories because being away at college made me miss the people that I’ve had those experiences with. There are many things that I now think of that I wish I would have included in my essays. While I was writing my papers, I often just wrote about whatever had popped into my head at the moment. Now that I look back, I wish that I would have included more personal things into my essays such as friends and family members that I don’t get to see much anymore since I am away at college.
Being at college has changed me in many ways. Before I came to college I was afraid of having to start over and meet all new people who had no clue who I am. I was always somebody who didn’t like opening up to people and letting people find out who I truly am. When I came to college I met many people, some of who I eventually became comfortable enough to open myself up too. Being at college has taught me to not be afraid of who I am or what other people will think of me, because my life is not controlled by them. I believe that this is a huge part of answering the question “What Is I,” and a perfect example of how I am constantly changing. Also while being at college, I learned that I can’t be afraid to put myself out on a pedestal and go for what I truly want, because if I hold myself back I will never achieve what I want to. Before I entered my 2nd semester at college and started my English 101 class, I was horrified at the thought of other people reading what I wrote. Throughout high school I rarely had my friends proofread anything that I wrote (essays, poems, and short stories) because I was afraid that they weren’t “good enough,” even though I usually got pretty decent grades on my papers and essays. To some people they might not have been up to par, but to others they may have seemed impressive. Marlen’s English 101 class has taught me to be confident in my writing. I learned that if I am not confident as an author, my readers will realize this throughout my writing and probably not be so interested. This was brought to my attention by the feedback I got from my peers and professor on my different essays. The first essay I wrote, entitled The Experience of a Lifetime, was not my best written essay in my eyes. It was actually one of my worst. Before, during, and after I wrote this essay I thought that it was boring and uneventful; even though the story was about one of my favorite experiences I’ve had throughout my life. The feedback that I got from my peers was just the same. I got comments from my readers that it was okay, but not very exciting. My professor even stated that he began to lose interest after the first page. As I became confident in my writing, the readers enjoyed my writing more. The last essay I wrote, Feel The Music, got a much better response than my first essay. My classmates stated that they liked how some of my thoughts in my essay were very deep and meaningful, and that using semi-colons in certain places gave it a nice style. I love that just be writing these five essays throughout the semester, I have learned so much about myself.
My first essay, which was about my experience at the Warped Tour, has taught me to cherish every single memory that I have, because my memories make up the person that I am today. My memories help me to realize what is truly important in my life, and reminds me of how I got to where I am in life today. My second essay was about the different flavors that make up mint chocolate chip ice cream. For this essay, I had to sort of “break down” the ice cream and talk about every different flavor I taste as I eat this ice cream. This was something I had never done before, and it made me realize how different parts of a certain food make me feel a different way. “During the after taste the cool temperature of the delicacy begins to disappear, leaving my mouth warm again, yet still cool from the mint-like flavor.” The third essay I wrote had to deal with the smell of fresh cut grass. Just like the first essay, this one took me back in my life to a memory that I would never like to forget: that of a childhood summer. This essay also helped me to realize how each memory I have instilled in my mind, new or old, is very important to answering the question “What Is I.” My fourth essay was entitled Touch: A Physical and Emotional Experience. In this essay I wrote about the definitions of the word touch and how it is perceived differently by different people. This essay made me realize how important touch truly is to me. It made me think of how awful it would be to not be able to physically or emotionally feel things, such as the hug or kiss from a loved one. This essay caused me to recognize that I would be very lost without the emotional sense of touch, because I discovered that some physical touches lead to those emotional ones, or vise versa. My fifth and final essay was about feeling music, and not just listening to it. I wrote about how different pieces of music can make me feel happy or sad, and how I use music as a therapy in my life. This essay, like my first, made me realize how big of an influence music has been on my life. There is a song out there for almost every emotion that I experience and a song that reminds me about many events that I have been through during my life.
When I entered Marlen’s English 101 class and was asked to answer the question “What Is I,” I could not answer it. In fact, I didn’t even know if I really understood the question. Therefore, when Marlen told my classmates and me that by the end of the semester, we would be able to answer this question, I was not convinced. In my mind, there was no way that a college English course was going to help me find out who I am as a person. The semester is now coming to an end, and my view on this class has changed drastically. A semester is not a very long time to try and figure out who I am, but it is a very good start. Throughout this class, I have learned things about myself and others that I never thought I would have. Reading Diane Ackerman’s A Natural History of the Senses and writing essays on each of the five essays, as taught me that each one of my senses is just as significant as the other, and that I very rarely think about how important they truly are. “There is no way in which to understand the world without first detecting it through the radar-net of our senses” (Ackerman). So back to the question “What is I.” After exploring myself through my five senses, I definitely have a better understanding of what this question is asking. This question is asking me who I am, as a person; a human being. It is talking about my physical, mental, and emotional self. This question is referring to my past, my present, and my future that lies ahead of me. I also feel that this question has to do with how I put myself into the world and how I perceive myself, and how I am perceived by others. This question could be answered, but maybe only for today, or maybe only for this minute, because I am constantly changing. My emotions, my physical self, my mental self, and my image of the world are changing every second, every minute, of every single day. No matter how I try to answer the question “What is I” I will truly never know the answer. This English 101 class has taught me so much about myself, and has taught me how to answer the question “What is I,” but I do not believe that I will ever truly be able to answer it. I am me and I always will be, even as I go through drastic changes in my life. I will continue changing through every experience that I encounter in my life, and will learn from each and every one of them. The semester is coming to an end, and I still have the same answer as I did in the beginning of the semester, but I now understand the question and can answer it in complete confidence, but with the same response. What is I? I am Tanisha.
Works Cited
Ackerman, Diane. A Natural History of the Senses. New York: Vintage Books, 1990.
Bolig, Tanisha. “The Experience of a Lifetime.” Diss. “It Melts In Your Mouth.” Diss. “Take Me Back In Time.” Diss. “Feel The Music.” Diss. “Touch: A Physical and Emotional Experience.” Diss. Indiana University of Pennsylvania. 2008.
Ellis, Carolyn. The Ethnographic I: A Methodological Novel About Autoethnography. AltaMira Press, 2004.
Holt, Nicholas. “Representation, legitimation, and autoethnography: An Autoethnographic writing story.” International Journal of Qualitative Methods. 2.1 2003 12 March 2008. http://www.ualberta.ca/~iiqm/backissues/.
Kawai, Hayad. Buddhism and the Art o” f Psychotheraphy. Texas: Texas A&M University Press. 1996.
Trivedi, Saam. “Expressiveness as a Property of the Music Itself.” Journal of Aesthetics and Art Criticism. 40.5 2007. 5 Feb 2008. http://web.ebscohost.com/ehost/detail?vid=1&hid=5&sid=1sid=1ffa962b-1a5c-4596-a058-0894f4c07450%40sessionmgr7.
